The lonely stutterer

Truth be told, when it comes to my speech, I care what people think. I don't want people to know that I stutter and if I can use tactics to avoid stuttering I will. Why not? Its not everyday that I meet a fellow stutterer and being the only speech impaired member of my social circle, its important to keep the disfluency at a minimum. Even though my stuttering is manageable with proper breathing (take a breath before I speak), I still think about it everyday. I don't think anyone really understands how hard it is to go through life trying to manage your speech and avoiding embaressing yourself and others.

Perhaps if I had a support group or therapist to connect with each week, I wouldn't be so tense or concerned about it. BUT I don't and that is my life. I find it quite self-righteous when I hear other stutterers try and convince me that it's okay to stutter - 'Just be yourself and stutter' or 'It's your right'. Why the hell would I want to do that? Stuttering is not an option in my world.

Luckily for me, my stuttering is very slight and not considered a handicap by medical standards. Nevertheless, the insecurity and anxiety will always be with me. Such is the life of a stutterer...

The Devil Wears Prada Emily Blunt interview

Actress Emily Blunt - Amazing actress who also stutters. During the interview you can hear slight hints of stutter. She's great in this movie!

"You will,you must, you can" - Eunice Shriver

The recent passing of Special Olympics founder Eunice Kennedy Shriver, has been an invaluable reminder for me. First, its given me a renewed appreciation for her life's work with the mentally retarded around the world (especially in the United States). I have a sister who is autistic, and if it wasn't for Mrs. Shriver, people with learning disabilities and mental retardation would not have the voice and the opportunities they have today. Most importantly, without Mrs. Shriver's empathy, patience and understanding (her sister Rosemary was mentally retarded), those with mental retardation would be unable to contribute to their communities with the same respect and dignity afforded the everyday citizen.

Secondly, Mrs. Shriver inspired me. She turned the challenges and tragedies throughout her life into positives. She pushed her goals and eleemosynary causes forward. She knew that the fight goes on. I don't think she ever complained. Living with a slight, but ever-present stutter, there have been times where I've fallen into the trappings of self-pity and the 'Why me?' moments. I was the only person in my school with a stutter and I was teased relentlessly. Eventually, I learned to tease back and develop this self-deprecating attitude. One day the other children forgot about my stutter and realized I was a fun person just like them.

As life moves on and the years go by, its easy to focus on one's problems and forget that everything in life happens for a reason. There is no reason to be embarrassed to have a stutter or a sister with autism. It's simply part of who I am. To be honest, I still don't entirely understand why I was born with a stutter, why I have a sister with autism, or why my parents divorced. What I do know, is that all of these things have made me the person I am today. Having a stutter (or this daily humbling as I like to call it) hasn't slowed me down one bit.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver will continue to inspire me all the days of my life. When I need reminding that I can do something or that I'm capable of achieving my goals when I'm full of doubt, I'll think of Eunice and what she would do if she were in my shoes. You will, you must, you can.

Stuttering kids taste stardom at arts camp

It's always encouraging to discover news about fellow stutterers around the world. This article was featured today on MSNBC.

Stuttering and foreign languages

A friend of mine once shared with me that his stutter increases ten-fold when he is nervous or stressed. When he was relaxed, he stuttered only occasionally. Living abroad for the past 5 years, has been an exciting and stressful time for me. It's not only the fact that things work differently over here, but that I need to communicate in a foreign language on a daily basis. Being able to speak French has always been a dream of mine. However, the reality of having to speak it means so much for a stutterer. Not only does one have the added pressure of trying to communicate and think outside your mother tongue, but in addition maintaining the fluency of your speech and not stuttering. The pressure to be understood and pronounce the words correctly in French can be rather daunting at times. Although Brussels is the capital of Europe and many speak English here, the average Belgian may or may not speak English. Therefore, shopping at the grocery store or buying stamps require a basic knowledge of French. Recently, I've noticed that I stumble more and have more anxiety when I speak French. It's getting better the more I study the language, but I'm not always sure about the word pronunciation or if the person I'm speaking to can clearly understand me. Then I tense up and have a little "kick" as they say. Being a stutterer, I suppose I'm extremely critical of my speech and myself. If I can't do something absolutely perfect than its shit as far as I'm concerned. Of course, I also worry what people will think of me. "Is she stupid?" Being born with the handicap of stuttering, I feel like the tortoise who gets ridiculed for being slow in the children's book The Tortoise and the Hare (Le Liévre et La Tortue). Starting with an obvious disadvantage can be frustrating, but I know in the end if I keep plugging away I'll achieve my speech goals and cross the finish line. I surmise it's best just to not care about having perfect speech all the time. I should just do my best and if I stutter its not the end of the world. Now I just have to believe my own words...

Stuttering - A Life-Altering Condition [Part 2]

Stuttering - A Life-Altering Condition [Part 1]

Is it mean to laugh at other stutterers when you also stutter?

I was listening to a video clip on YouTube where Howard Stern had hired a new guy to answer the radio show's main telephone line. This person had one of the worst stutters I've ever heard. It sounded like he was in pain. When this individual did manage to get some words out, it sounded like a balloon when you let all the air out. At some point I had to laugh because listening to this person speak was just so awkward that it became comical. Imagining this person making these facial ticks that only a severe stutterer can produce made me laugh. Knowing what I know now about stuttering and methods to help improve one's speech, I wanted to tell this person, "Will you just please stop, take a deep breath and start again!" Clearly the whole point of having this guy on the Howard Stern show is for entertainment.

I suppose the reason I laughed was because I know what its like to have a stutter. I worked so hard and endured so much ridicule from my peers, that luckily for me one day it just wasn't a problem for anymore.I learned to laugh at my stutter and managed to think of it as a giant hurdle I needed to get over. (Alternatively, I could've had severe acne or dumbo ears to deal with). Of course I still have good and bad days, but I'm able to control my stutter in a way that people are unaware I just had a moment. For many stutterers I know that its not so easy to laugh about a condition that has a profound effect on your life and just dosen't seem to want to go away even after years of therapy. Personally, I feel extremely fortunate to have only inherited a mild case of stuttering - one that could be improved with therapy and control of my breathing. If only it was this easy for everyone...